live like we’re dying.

its a simple concept..in fact one that i followed faithfully when i was schooling in cedar.

every day there is 24hours

1440 mins

86400 seconds

and every single second is to be used fruitfully.

i shall write again once my exams are done….i put too much off myself over here. how unlike me to be so open. i am over it.no more of this sentimental shite where i gripe about why my life sucks. it doesnt. i make it seem that way. i have been blessed with intelligence and by god i am going to use it. i have exactly 21 days to my finals and i am going to work my arse off during this period of time to ensure that i come out tops. if there is one thing that i am confident about, it is my ability to overcome whatever obstacles may be in my way.

so blessed mother

guide my way

give me strength

to keep away

from temptations.

so mote it be.

2012. the end?

the movie 2012 is out and my friend forced me to watch a clip from the movie and it seemed so far fetched…that in a mere three years that we could be wiped out. impossible right? wrong. we can never prove a negative but we can prove a positive.

the thing is that i have come to realize  that there is nothing to stop the world from being destroyed. hell, we are more than half way there already. today morning something more disturbing took place.i was merely channel surfing my Tv while i ate my breakfast and i happened upon a program in the history channel and it was about the year 2012.

it seems that even before the movie came out , it has already been predicted thousands of years ago by our ancient ancestors about the particular devastating effects that can occur on 2012, dec 21.

apparently Nostradamus, the Mayans, the Egyptians to name a few had already predicted this day individually and predicted that it was time for great change probably with devastating effects on that day.

i was sceptical before but i have always believed in the power of divine beings and the study of stars has always been assumed to have the knowledge of the divine being. maybe the world wont be destroyed on that day;maybe it would be a time for great change instead. already many of the prophecy’s made by Nostradamus has come true.

what is intriguing about this is that the predictions were made independent of one another  over various periods of time and yet they foretold the same outcome.

the day has something to do with the earth’s rotation. we know that the earth spins on the axis. thus every 26000 years the earth would have made a full 360 degrees spin…basically this is why our view of the sky changes. every 72 years the view of the sky changes by 1 degree. the Mayans actually took this into consideration. keep in mind they had no telescope or even calculators to make such astronomical [forgive the pun] calculations. and yet they did and they were able to calculate even the precise day when the sun would seem as if it was rising was the middle of the milky way and in direct line with the earth.

there are many repercussions of course when this will happen and i am in no mood to type it all out. needless to say, it certainly isnt a day to pop champagne.

when i had envisioned 2012, i had imagined it to be just like every other year, where i take things one day at a time and live with no regrets.

just in case something dire does happen, after all we are moving into the age of Aquarius from Capricorn…it is already a time for change, then i am glad to have lived the life i did.

i was born into a good home, where i was spoilt rotten as a kid since i was eldest grandchild…my uncle always gave me a spin on his motorbike since i was 4months old…my aunts always dolled me up in my favourite clothes and brought me out to socialize with others…and my parents while they didnt cater to my every desire [since everyone else was doing that] they still provided me with a somewhat good home.

as for my friends, i couldnt have become who i am today without a few key people. and they know who they are.

as for people who hate me or even dislike me, i want to thank you. because you made life difficult for me, i became a fighter. i would have hesitated to make others unhappy. but you guys taught me the lesson that i cant expect the entire world to like me so its ok for me to fight for what i believe in.

also i have to say that i never really understood my sister. she is a gem. as a child she used to follow me around and i hated that. then when she started to grow up, i guess she began to pick up on the fact that i didnt really want her around and she started to become me…bitchy…to me. but i am glad we are working things out. there are times when the old me surfaces and all i want to do is be alone. then somehow i think of her and i know that i have a friend for life. she knows my secrets. and i trust her to keep them and not use them against me. in fact, she is the only one who knows my deepest fears and all. if there is one person i would want to change the past for, it would be for her. because i realise now, how much she loved me then and i wish i hadnt discarded that love so easily as i did then simply because she wasnt the brother that i had prayed for. she is so different from me. so emotional and taking everything to heart. always comparing herself to me. and i never get  her. i wish i could. but  i dont. i kept seeing these as her weakness when really upon closer examination…its her strength. she is polite and kind and caring. and pretty. both in and out. she is emphatic and loves unconditionally. she is able to forgive others. something i myself can never do. oh, i say i do. but truthfully, i never forgive and i never forget. even if its been a lifetime…i just cant. thats why i admire her. and i wish she could see how wonderful she really is…an intelligent girl like her …but she is constantly putting herself down simply because she thinks she is fat. yes, she is. however,its nothing permanent. she is working on it and i am sure when she is done with her O’s she will work even harder to lose the extra pounds.

i hope that  by the time 2012 comes around, i would have a better relationship with her. i really want to make an effort to be a better person.

perhaps it is time i got rid of my petty side. definitely not my bitchy side, because i happen to like the catty side of my personality.

ok then. 2012….whatever happens.i have one wish though. i want to experience soul wrenching, mind-blowing love!if i should die, then it is something i wish i could have for even a second.

i am climbing up the hill

sometimes i have this ache in my heart and i wish for cement that can be poured into it to fill the void .

“These aches
wretch at my heart
when you are gone
and we are apart”

by sheila g

i get it all the time. when i am reading something. talking to certain people. think of certain things. when i feel this way all i want to do is just curl up and scream. sometimes i do that when i am at the beach. find an isolated corner if possible and then just scream out loud. what a relief if only for a moment.

politics is a game.i always play  to win. it is a game of hide and seek ; where one party hides information from another and others literally have to hunt them down.knowledge is power and everything that you say or worse write can be used against you. it used to be a place where dreams seemed to come true and i didnt have to worry about the big bad wolf which would pretend to be my grandmother…  now however dreams have become perverted and the landscape seems so dire and nightmarish it’s as if the big bad wolf having been caught in action still adamantly refuses to admit its a wolf…its like a gay guy caught in action and refusing to admit to his sexual orientation.

what i want now is just peace. why cant everyone just get along? words have always been mightier than  a sword and the SAGA proves this implicitly.

besides this, just when i thought that my work load has decreased , if only because K insisted on me making the phone call and dropping out of the drama production, well, now my commitment levels just sky rocketed for the december hols.

1. one week of fun with T. usually he leaves immediately after exams are over. this time however he is staying back for a week and has DEMANDED that i spend the time with him…esp cos i always complain that we never hang out during holidays.it is a double edged sword hanging out with him. at times i feel that i isolate all my other friends for him. but at the same time, i also feel comfortable around him, a state which i rarely am around others. with him, i dont feel the need to  impress him with my wit or i dont have to be all “girlie”…my full bitchy side can be revealed and is in fact reveled in by him…of course, most people would be shocked by half the things we do together but thats besides the point. i think the two of us simply love to shock the hell out of the people around us and half the time we dont even realise we are doing that…one of the reasons i hate hanging out with him is because he is constantly putting me down because of my age and  thinks that  i am inexperiened when it comes to relationships thus making me a  kid. well, fuck him. but somehow at the end of the day, we both need one another. i dont know why? i might not even like it at times. but i have found it much easier to give in then to fight the need. i find myself happier with him than without. not that i cant be happy with out him of cos,merely that i feel more content when he is around…knowing him, i have a feeling that the 7 days will be filled with craziness and much laughter!

2.starting the youth club in my indian community. it might be a challenge esp since they have never done this before. and of course most importantly, they are indians which means that it will be hard to get along with everyone since we’re indians =p

3. if all goes well, starting the hotline plan for nus voluntary association for their new project. and i shall be the director for that  project. of course that means that i will then part of that group and i have more projects to help out in the future such as camps etc.

4.not to mention, the programs that are being planned in the youth club. there is a whole slew of events to take place one after another…too much to do…too little time and def no cash!

5. hanging out with other friends…with some of them leaving for holidays and others for overseas school next year, i def have to hang out with them so that i can have some connection with my homies from the hood…

6. work if i can get it , of cos. i really need the money to sustain my high spending habits which my parents arent really keen to support. they dont see why i want to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, shoes and jewlry…but then they also dont see the reasons why i dont consider myself as being an “indian girl” from india.

7. i had avoided going to my cc meetings…today however the chairman somehow found me and made me promise to attend the meetings from now on…oh joy…i have kept in touch with one or two of the older members but really most of them are new and i havent met any of them…i would hate to feel the awkwardness of being the newbie once again…i have been through that enough times as it is.

i really dont see how i can stay afloat during this hols.

but i have hope. see, i was invited to a meeting on saturday night. it was reminiscent of the meetings i had when i was in the iLEAD  program and i had the oppurtunity to meet with some of the best social entrepreneurs in the world. it is always an awe-inspiring experience. this meeting was no exception. during this meeting, i met mr david green. not only is he a business man, he is a man with a vision; that is to change the world one step at a time by breaking the monopoly in the market. he has this entire vision of market produce and distribution and lowering market prices and thereby changing the entire structure of the market- for the better. some of the methods might run counterintuitive such as offering free services and this in turn increases the profit margin of a company. also, he talked about the soul of the company and how the intergrity of the company should always be retained. so if you allow your friend to be part of the company and then they start to pervert the principles that you have worked so hard to foster, well, the only solution really is to get rid of them…its similar to the chopping of the hand that is infected with the flesh eating bacteria to make sure that the rest of the body remains unaffected.

what impressed me the most was the way he thought. he was jet lagged and tired; yet when questions were posed to him about the problems faced by companies which had attended the meeting , the ideas that he came up with on the spot was both innovative and practical! how many of us can do that?

of course, the meeting was made all the more interesting by the cute guy who happened to sit opposite me during the meeting. he was wearing a cobalt blue shirt with brown pants. he had very clear skin and hair so fine that it shone like topaz in the room. he had the most bluest eyes that i had seen…but that was probably due to the shirt he wore and the light being reflected to his eyes…or else the colour merely caused his eyes to ‘pop’ due to the sheer intensity of his eye colour. he had height as well.oh and did i mention that he had the nicest smile to go along with his seductive voice? his aquiline nose was to die for! i would definitely want to work in that company just so that i can be shrouded by his aura. his nails were cut and they were so well maintained, that i even contemplated the possibility of him having a manicure. oh god, please dont tell me he is gay! that would fit my profile to a Tee…always admiring men who just happen to be gay. wouldnt that be fanfuckingtastic?

at the end of the day,

when light turns to grey,

i turn to you.

oh goddess,

in the light

you shine true.

guide me through the darkness

help me find the path

out of this tunnel

that is oh so very far.

so mote it be.

fuck off.

i really liked this movie.

the concept of anti-romance. then i realised that it isnt about anti-romance. it was all about perceptions.

the guy,tom, believed in fate. believed in the concept of falling in love and THE ONE. the girl,summer, did not.

you know what. fuck this shite. i need to rant today.

i am so damn tired of people using me. emotionally. financially.

you are working right? so even if you are saving for a phone or laptop why i fuck am i helping you pay for stuff like food?and i am so sick of doing stuff for you. yes i know you help me. but seriously…i feel so used sometimes. and i hate the fact that you fucking know me inside out. i cant lie to others. worse i cant lie to you. well at least not face to face. and i like u. but i hate u. i hate that i dont know what you are thinking. i hate that u think u can tell me what to do. i hate that i give in to you cos i respect you…when i am not hating you. i think i hold myself back when i am with you. i try to be good. i am someone else really. when i am not conscious about it. i am me. but really. who am i anymore? i dont know! and that fucking pisses me off. fuck. i am upset. but i also need you. i cant get rid off you like i did to M or HY…i need you cos u make me happy. you make me feel that everything is gonna be ok as long as i dun give up. you make me realise that i have to change my view point. you have been there for me. but i think i need to let you go. slowly but surely. life would be boring of course. no more sneaking off to watch a movie with you. it was fun wasnt it watching the movie today. but you are so not my movie buddy type. you hate to dissect the movie for too long. as for me…well for a while that is all that i can think about. i need to talk it out and get it out of my system. we are so different. i dont even know why we are friends? why are you sticking with me? its not out of pity. you dont do pity. is it out of loyalty? no….you call me and talk to me just for fun…but really…what is it that holds our friendship together? maybe i am analysing everything…but when it comes to ppl who are close to me…i always think about them…i mean, why would someone sane choose to be around me is so baffling to me. perhaps you will write off this as me being childish. you always do.”oh,shilpa, you have so much growing to do.” fuck off,bitch. you are not even 24 mths older than me. but then you also listen to me when i talk. patiently.and you may not remember everything like me. but you know me. not many ppl can say that they know how shilpa thinks. and the funny thing is…you dont even have to try.and i hate that.ok so what i think i want is for you not to depend on me for money. cos while i love spending my money on stuff…i cant do that all the time…well not all…only when we eat together sometimes…but still…stop asking me. ok.i feel so much better now. i am so glad that you dun read my blog. in fact, if i recall, you were shocked that i kept a blog…well, i suppose its a good thing that you dont know me as well as i thought you would. thank gods for small mercies.

the clouds

i feel that we are all so concerned with doing well in life that we no longer have the desire to simply live. we live once [ that is if you dont believe in the concept of reincarnation] and i feel that we are not doing the most simplest thing.

do we take time to stare at the clouds? see what stories unfold in the skies? i was told by my friends that it was a stupid thing to do. that it was a child’s habit. does growing up equate to the loss of innocence? does it mean that i can no longer stare at clouds and make up stories in my head about the images that i see? i spent some time swimming on friday and i had the best time of my life [ for that week]… the clouds were what i called “patchy” and that day so many characters were playing. the best part was that i could see the sunset and watch as the sky changed from blue to orange to black. i was alone by myself in that pool. and i was happy.

its such a difficult task to really express what i feel when i look up. i am not alone any longer. the gods are out. the clouds have parties some times. and also one cant miss the romance. the cupids flying about. of course, death is never far away. i also saw a skull just beside a couple who were leaning in for a kiss. i suppose, it foreshadows the end of that relationship.

as a child i used to spend hours on my veranda watching the sky. rain or shine. of course, my favourite weather is thunderstorms. where the lightning strikes and the thunder boomz so loud. in fact in my family i am the only one who really loves such weather. my mother and sister would sit in the middle of the house, afraid that the lightening would strike them dead. my father is indifferent to the weather. me, i would sit beside the open window, and let the rain driven in by the wind, fall on my face.

peace.

i enjoy walking in the rain. provided i dont carry my books in my bag. when i am just by myself, i love to simply stand and let the rain wash over me. i dont expect the guy i am destined to be with to appear out of thin air like in a Bollywood movie. the only expectation i have is to get soaking wet. somehow being soaking wet gives me greatest pleasure. and a feeling that i am safe and that nothing can go wrong.

i guess, what i am trying to say is that , we have our priorities all wrong! it’s not about the money. it’s not about power. it’s not even about sex [yes, be shocked. shilpa does think that some things are more important than SEX]…it’s about giving time to yourself to just be you. to just being one with the world. to smelling the air and knowing that rain is about to come. or the fact that clouds you were observing looks eerily [or not so eerily] like draco and harry having it on.

it’s a good day after all!

closer

oh my gawd….

ok. T might say that saying OMG might make me sound like a bimbo but i feel that the time has come for this to be used appropriately.

so i use it again!

OH MY GOD!

why?

first of all….my results. there is a level of shitiness… then theres 50 ft of dirt. followed by earthworms holes. then there is me. my results are so bad….even i am panicking. yes, i know the reason i am doing so badly is because i just wasnt bothered. there was no fire…no desire in me to do well. aha, now i have a reason. just to kick T’s butt. cos he did 3 times better than me. for those who know me, then you guys know that if there is one thing i cant stand is losing…esp to my best friends….so i am gonna study so hard, for the next test i am gonna over take him.

secondly…i saw the most beautiful couple today. both burnet and had the most gorgeous hair ever…it was so envy inducing really. i had the urge to go over to them and just pet the hair to see if its for real.

thridly and most importantly!!!! kelly was there. as in i went for the drama rehearsal and he was there. i just stood by the door for a second because i was so taken aback! i wasnt expecting to see him at all. and then K said about me giving him a make over and all i could do was nod my head dumbly because in my head a very loud voice was going….”he’s here! dont be a idiot!” but maybe he is gay….after all he has watched QAF…and how many straight guys actually watch a show in which guys have sex with one another? ahhhhhhh….i dont want him being gay….it would only mean that T was right about him and i was wrong!

woe be me.

brothers- dead and alive

today [oct 4] would mark six years since the day that my brother sambu died. technically he was my cousin brother, the second son of my most favourite uncle in the wide world. to me it never mattered that he was my cousin. to me he was my child. the one that i loved above all. i loved him more than i loved nandu and thats saying alot since everyone in my family knows that i favor nandu among all my brothers.

the relationship between sambu and me is very hard to explain. sambu was a special kid. when he was born he looked fine and he had the pair of the most beautiful eyes in my family. his lashes were so long and think, they were more prettier than karan’s eyes. then later when he was about six months something happened and as he grew up we realised that unlike other kids my brother would be able to speak or move.

i called him my angel.

when i was younger and i visted india, i would lie beside and just talk to him about everything. i would talk about food, clothes,his smell. why i loved him, the sky and i would even include him in the games we played. he would make these sounds almost like he agreed with what i said. i still remember how when he wakes up, he would pretend to cry until i went to him and chided him for pretending. just because he couldnt speak or move didnt mean that he could never understand what was going on around him. in fact he was a prankster and he knew how to manipulate those around by giving them an impish taught to him by his father.

the last time i ever saw was on my visit to india when i was in sec 3. on the night i had arrived, he had stayed up way past his bed time and would only sleep after i spent an hour with him, just murmuring stories until i fell asleep beside him. the next day, i saw my cousin sister lift him from the bed and i was terrified that she might drop him. i was petrified to carry him until i saw the smile he had on his face when he was carried. and that smile was enough for me to overcome my fear of dropping him. it was the smile that just reflected love out of his eyes. and i will never forget the way he smiles at me. ever.

by that time, he was 6. he was as long as his elder brother who was 12. he loved to watch tv and i would hold him in my arms as we watched star world…he loved to watch BEAST MASTER. after some time i was brave enough to carry him around and i realised that since i was the only one in the house who could carry him besides my uncle and his brother [but they were not home most of the time] i could actually make a difference to my brother by showing him the world that he was missing since he was usually confined to his room. so there begun my mission for my holiday. i would bring him to the gardens. i would put him on our swing and just slowly move and i loved to watch him trail his eyes over the ceiling as we swung on the swing.

one incident i remember clearly was the day i had to leave him for some time to visit my paternal grandmother. according to my grandma, he refused to eat while i was away. and grumpy all the time…the only time he smiled was when they said that i was on my way back.

when i got back, he refused to respond to me at first. of course within five minutes, i had him in my arms and he was holding onto me very tightly and we cried.

on the last day i was to leave to singapore, i spent all my time with him. i talked about all and nothing. i told him stories. i told him my dreams. i told him my fears. i told him everything. and i spent my time just holding him in my arms. when it was really time to go, i just couldnt let him go. in fact , for the time he was actually gripping my dress,not merely holding it. we were both crying and people were making fun of me for being so sentimental. one of my grandmothers scolded me and told me that i could see him again when i returned and i till today i dont know why i said it but i told her ” i will never see him again.”

and i think he knew as well.

i was doing my tamil final year paper, when i felt weird suddenly. it was a feeling of awareness in me. when i came home and found my mother teary eyed and she told me sambu was in the hospital, i knew in my gut he was dead. all i told her was that he would be ok. she came into my room and told me he was dead. that he was never coming back.

i think she expected me to cry. or break something.

i was numb. i couldnt do anything. i just felt hopeless and guilty. it was irrational to feel guilty. all i did was write a poem exactly one month before his death,hoping that he would be with me.

the only thing i destroyed that day was my book of poems which i had since i was 10.

that night i dreamt of him. of him offering me death so that i could play with him. so that he wouldnt have to be alone.

and when i refused him , he became angry and stormed off. when i woke up,i cried.

a few weeks later, in fact a day or two after my birthday, i dreamt of him once more. it was like a scene out of “red sky in the morning”…in fact i think the dream was inspired by it…i dreamt that he was swimming and i kept trying to hold him but he kept slipping away.he turned to look at me and said ” i am happy now. and i have friends to play with. i love you. and i will wait for you.”

then that was it.

i never dreamt of him again.

now my brother whos alive.

well his name is luttu and hes two years my senior. as kids we were the best of friends. when i came to singapore we drifted apart and now cos of internet…we are once again becoming fast friends.

when one door closes, another opens.

finally.

some times you hope to learn from the mistakes that others before you have done.

i am not that smart all the time.

all who know me, knows about my tendency to be impulsive at times.

today, i am no longer a virgin. it was struggle that i had raged within myself. to do it or to wait?

today i threw caution to the wind and just decied to do it. it was comforting at times espcially when all the right spots are hit. it was painful at times as well. seeing it being shredded hurt my soul.

i hate my hair!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

words cant explain my hatred. i miss my curls!!!!

i want my hair back….i wish i hadnt envied all the other girls who have straight hair…i wish my hair would grow back like harry potter’s did when his aunt cut his hair.

drivin my friends nut…..

i wanted to write about QAF and get it out of my system. in fact i had almost completed my post when i decied that i didnt want to do that anymore. its an experience that can only be felt when you watch it.

the emotions that the characters go through. their joy. their pain. its heart wrenching sometimes. i wasnt able to watch the season’s completely…just the parts concerning justin and brian.

theo refuses to lend me his CD’s as he has deemed me to be an addict. he will only lend them to me once our examinations are over and we have watched Sex and the City, the movie.

its going to be a very long two months…

ok, i have to explain why i said that the show was similar to friends and Sex and the city.

simply because the show revolved around a group of friends and they had some really cool sex scenes doesnt make it similar to the above mentioned shows. QAF is in fact leaques above such shows. QAF tackles hard issues such as gay bashing,heterophobes,homophobes, sexuality,sex,safe sex,education and its importance,the role of politics in gay society and most importantly religion…such topics appeal to me since i am now studying the exact same thing in school. so watching the show only emphasied what i have been studying . there is so much effort put into the show by the actors. many of them are straight and the way they portrayed their gay characters were brilliant.

words cant explain the feelings that i felt as i watched the show. sometimes i screamed. at other times i laughed. there were times i even cried. this show is thought provoking and emotionally straining. try watching it overnight as i did with only 2 hours rest…exhaustion. it made feel as good as i do when i read a good book.

and that itself is a miracle cos not even seeing my eye candy can make me feel ,the way i feel when i have just finished reading my favorite book. this show however has achieved the impossible. i didnt even feel close to this when i watched sex and the city.

some videos which explains why i LOVE  this show….notice the chemistry.

song: I don’t want to close my eyes.

scene: dance between justin and brian…and the gay bashing that followed after.

what can i say….this dance was my favourite from the series…..

song:chasing cars….scenes: all the pivotal scenes in QAF between justin and brian.

the holy grail!

i have  discovered the holy grail !

i was depressed and feeling low and as usual surfing the youtube. i was watching a new video about harry and draco set to my song of the moment called “starstrukk”. as i was reading the details of the video, it was stated that some of the clips was taken from the show called ” queer as folks” and it triggered some kind of latent memory in me. needless to say, my curiosity was aroused and i instantly started to search the web for more information.

i was not to be disappointed.

it was amazing.

all i want for christmas is the DVD of the entire 5 seasons of queer as folks!!!!

i love brain and justin…..of course it helps that brian is steaming hot [harry-look alike] and justin is so heart warmingly charming[ draco look alike]…..

queer as folks is almost like the gay version of friends and Sex and the city.

justin,brian

i rest my case!